A touchy subject that doesn't exist

This in response to another blog that has recently been pointed out to me via Google Reader. The discussion has been about rape... mainly why men get upset when someone says something like "most men" could be rapists. I can easily see why guys might get upset, but that might be because I am a guy. Albeit I hold a particularly different opinion about the subject of rape...

I was chatting with my girl friend after responding to the post this morning and ended up being a bit overly emotional about the whole idea that was being presented for several reasons:

1. It was only about men.
2. I have known several women who have falsely accused men of attempting to rape them or friends because that is simply the way they have been taught to react to guys being nice to them.
3. It is hurtful to be lumped together with rapists.

Let me introduce my personal experience on the subject. I was "raped" twice in one year by a person of both sexes (the quotations will be explained soon). Both situations were not reported for different reasons. It is something I regret. I am bisexual and have been out to friends and family since about 3 weeks before the first of these two events took place.

I have been the victim of domestic abuse from a young age leading into my adult life. Most of my partners have also been victims of domestic abuse of some type which makes this an extremely personal subject on several levels and gives people a reason to blame me for the events I am about to relay to the readers. Hence my hesitation.

The first event happened shortly after I came out to my parents that I was bisexual, while planning to marry the gal I have been dating for almost 4 years. We started having a lot of problems in our relationship as she thought previous that me being bisexual was simply a phase, just like her lesbian until graduation (LUG) mentality on the subject herself. It wasn't. It was something we needed to discuss and she refused. I turned to counseling to help me with coming to terms with who I am.

During that time she started becoming physically and emotionally abusive towards me. If my elbows touched the table during dinner she would kick me in the shins. If I didn't greet her right she would punch me in the stomach. On more then one occasion she tried pushing me down the stairs.

When I told my counselor about it she replied, "well, she isn't big enough to seriously hurt you" then remarking on how if she hasn't really harmed me then I should ignore it or bring it up with her. I got a few bruises on my shins, ribs and hip but that wasn't considered "serious".

One day while we were in her dorm after I successfully guided the senior class through our final group project I wanted to just lay down and get some sleep after not sleeping more then 10 hours in 3 days. All I wanted to do is lie next to her. Things were stressful for the both of us these last couple days and that I understand she might have been feeling a little neglected but it couldn't be helped. We haven't had sex in 5 days and the medication my doctor had put me on for my anxieties made it very hard for me to finish up in the bedroom, I would go through us having sex three or four times before I would finish even for sessions we had lasted over an hour. I was falling asleep when she started reaching her hand down my pants. I pulled her hand away and told her, "not now, I am too tired".

A few minutes pass and I am awoken by a the feeling of her moving around a lot. My eyes open when I feel her put one knee into the soft spot between my ribs and shoulder then I feel the other one land on me. She is putting all of her weight onto her knees as she leans in on me and covers my mouth before I make any sounds of pain. I notice her pants are off and she looks angry.

"You love me right?", she asks and I reply with a nod. This is the girl I am about to propose to in two months after I graduate... I remember having a hard time breathing. She told me that she was going to get on top of me and I had better be hard for her and cum for her, if I didn't then she would know that I am a fagot and incapable of loving her... She told me to hold still for her if I loved her. She then moved off my shoulders, my arms were numb, and started having sex with me.

I closed my eyes the whole time and tried to think of as many things as I could to stay hard and get off for her. She rode for a while and started demanding I cum for her. I thought of everything I could and eventually gave into what she was doing in order to give her what she wanted. She eventually started choking me and demanding it in her frustration. Turning her away so she couldn't see me crying. She used my feelings for her to make me submit to her will.

I requested an immediate visit with my counselor to talk about what happened and I was greeted with her response: "Women can't rape men". She called it emotional abuse but it wasn't what it felt to me like... rape. I left that counselor for another who suggested I made the whole thing up and practically kicked me out of the office. There was one more instance where she pinned me down in my parents house where we had a chance of being caught, she used the threat of telling the one sibling I didn't want to know that I was "gay".

We didn't last long after that especially after I couldn't sleep next to her without waking up yelling. She claimed we broke up was because I was abusive. The event she refers to is one where I raised a hand once because I thought she called me a fagot again. I never laid a hand on her but I ultimately ended the relationship when she wrapped both her hands around my neck and choked me in front of my parents. She doesn't remember doing anything harmful to me and got married to another guy a year later. She justified everything because I hurt her by being "gay".

Oddest thing is that she was only abusive during the last 3 months of our relationship.

This situation has had the following side effects on me:

• When ever a woman's knees end up on my shoulders I have major flashbacks and can freak out if I don't calm myself.
• I have serious trust issues with women who seem "normal" to me.
• When ever someone tells or asks me to cum, I can't. I lose interest in sex quickly.
• I hate when rape is referred to as a male only thing.
• Get paranoid when a woman questions my love for her.