"What do I want?"

This morning, as far as I know, marks an important turning point in my relationship, and not a good one. With snow coming down strong when I was supposed to get to work I silenced my alarm and went back to sleep just to wake up an hour later facing towards my girlfriend. I watched her a minute while she slept peacefully admiring her beauty and then moved closer. I put my arm under her pillow and rested my head on her left shoulder and breast. She reacted and wrapped herself around me and we both went back to sleep. I had a grin and was truly happy.

I should know better.

Her alarm went off and I hit it for her. She started stirring a bit but I had a better idea on how to wake her. I kissed her cheek and moved to her neck biting softly and kissing the whole way. My hands wandered over her for a while and she started moaning and moving with me. She was breathing hard and I was in the heat of the moment, my hand moved up her thigh...

"Ouch!", she sat up a bit startled and moved a bit away from me.

"Are you OK? Are you hurt?", I asked concerned.

"Yes, I am fine, I am not hurt", she replied. I thought she was just startled and I ran a list of things I could have done to hurt her, my nails are cleaned and trimmed, we have been having a lot of sex lately but have been using lube so as to prevent long wear to either of us, and we even had sex last night before I had to get to bed in order to make it in on time and things seemed fine. So I continued a bit and she said "No", softly to me.

Now let me explain this one thing; "no" for the history that I have known this woman has almost NEVER meant "no" because she says it all the time. In a past relationship it didn't stop anything from happening so she says it instinctively anytime something good is going on with her body now. Hence we have safety words that I make sure to run by her at least a one or two times every couple of months so we have a solid "no". But this "no" sounded different. I kissed her neck again and rubbed her thigh and side a bit more and she said it again. "No".

I stopped and asked her directly, "Do you not want this to go any further?".

 "No", she said sounding angry at herself and turned away from me.

"Do you want any of this?", wondering if she even wanted me next to her like this.

"No."

I kissed the side of her forehead and sat up on the side of the bed. My hormones were ready for action and I had to catch a breath away from her and at the same time comprehend what is going on without letting my emotions get the better of me while in a state of passion.

"Are you mad?", she asked as if half expecting me to hit her or something. Something that she does a lot no matter how many times I explain or haven't done so.

"No, just confused.", I say as I exhale. I need a cold shower or use the restroom to alleviate part of the problem I am having so I get up and turn on the bathroom lights.

"Hun, this is bad when I can't even do what I desperately want to do.", I still don't get what happened between sex last night and now but I brace myself for something REALLY bad. I grip the door frame and don't look at her. "When so many people are telling me it just isn't going to work what am I supposed to do?"

Oh god. Not this again! I reply with an elevated voice not out of anger but out of a need to be clear, because this is for her to figure out. "You know how I feel about you, about us, and I don't have anything to say about this anymore. I would just be repeating myself."

"We need to talk about this! Don't be mad but **** and ******* and everyone else is telling me that it just can't work!"

"I am not mad just confused as to why this is still an issue with us.", my voice has lowered but now I am actually feeling completely upset.

"Because I myself and, it seems, everyone else thinks one person isn't enough for you!" I feel like throwing something but instead I just grit my teeth and breath. I immediately know what has happened. She was up all night talking to my "friends" about us. Every one of them hasn't had a kind word for me behind my back no matter how much I bend over backwards for people or help them with their relationship issues. Because I have had multiple partners in the past of different genders and ethnicities they can't see me settling for one person of one type. They are perfectly friendly to my face then hit on and try to scare my girlfriend into leaving me. Now they wonder why I have distanced myself from them. What they don't understand is that in my relationships we talk about EVERYTHING. Nothing is taboo.

And she knows that but trusts them over me now; that is how bad this has gotten. No matter how poor their perspective on women as a whole is or how many times they screw over gals they meet when she was there to witness it... she still believes them over me. I am letting her live with me rent free, feed her, and have never ever done anything harmful to her. In fact she is much better off mentally and socially then she has ever been since we have been together.

I am breaking internally and a part of me has left... I can't win this battle if I can't win her heart, mind, and soul together. All I have is her heart and even that is starting to seem like a flimsy grasp. She talks to guys and gals on porn sites and guy friends privately at their homes all the time and I trust her explicitly. "But what if I shouldn't", crossed my mind today for the first time in the time since I have been with her.

This is a bad road and I should know. I have walked it almost a dozen times now. This a wrong turn down a one way street.

While showering, for the first time, I also thought of something that I also haven't thought of in a while that included "I" instead of "we".

"What do I want?"