Found this very interesting...

http://questionablecontent.net/

The poly lifestyle is rough, I sympathize completely. Everyone I think would have been perfect for me don't understand or are taken... :-/

An ethical consideration for an unstable sexuality

I have written and rewritten this post about 5 times in the last 3 days. Describing how my varying levels of attraction to different genders works within the confines of a single relationship is hard. I have a horrible time explaining this to my own partners let alone someone who doesn't know me. There is no "line" for me, but instead a wave, from day to day my attraction to men, women, or no one shifts, and I don't have a lot of control over it.

Porn helps, a great deal, in allowing me a way to get aroused in order to get into the act of sex with my partners when I have a dominant attraction to the sex opposite that of my partners. The only time this doesn't work is when I enter into "asexual" mode. I have no attraction to anyone or anything. I tend to go out more and get huge quantities of work done, exercise more, improve my life in many ways, and I enjoy these times a great deal, they make me feel truly happy. I don't feel like having sex nor do I particularly want to, my life is simple and straightforward. This lasts about a week two or three times a year.

I can't explain these times to my partners easily enough, they just know I am not interested in doing much with them, I still often humor them by being a dom and utilize my toy collection, but it all feels sterile to me and I don't involve my body much beyond kissing and touching. These periods of asexuality upset my partners to no end, I am not attracted to them, I love them and feel emotional connections with them but I can't be aroused by them or anything else but I am willing to give them satisfaction during these times just that I can't get aroused.

Which leads to the question: "Is it ethical to have sexual relations with someone when you are not attracted to them at the time?"

My girlfriend doesn't believe it is ethical like it is something along the lines of a faked orgasm. I do, if I can please my partners without penetration then I don't see the issue, I still derive a huge amount of pleasure from the experience. Where do we draw the line? 

Commitment, natural or artificial flavoring

After my last post we sat down and discussed our issues with each other for a couple hours. There is one thing I have noticed through all my relationships: people in general want commitment that isn't quantifiable. I have lived with a few exes and by that, I mean, moved them in, paid for their food and lifestyle, just about everything, then had them turn around to tell me I wasn't committed to our relationship. They didn't do anything to prove they were committed, in fact, several exes were not, but demand it anyways (especially guys).

It is very odd that the people I have known tend to want me to prove commitment even when I have gone a little overboard. I guess this is something I just don't understand. I can tell them from the depths of my heart that I am committed and do many things to affix them to my life, but they don't want you to move and prove physically that you are with them, they want MORE! They want you to change for them. With me it is usually something that goes against my personal values.

With us:

1. PornIt always has been something I enjoy looking at and getting ideas for the bedroom, but also masturbation. I like masturbating from time to time, nuff said. In my circumstance I believe porn makes me a happier person because I am omnisexual and my interests shift from day to day from men to women to alt genders. What I don't seem to understand is that my current and previous partners have loved porn as well. They also masturbate when I am not around. Yet, my situation is worse because I masturbate when they are around. Why? Because I work longer hours then they have and I have almost no alone time. I should be having sex with them... even if they are busy? Knowing that it hurts their feelings masturbation starts becoming secretive, which makes the situation worse.
2. Open relationship
   This issue is compounding by the fact we can see people separately. No matter how many people we see outside the relationship my partners always seem to worry they are about to be replaced at any moment. It is as if, randomly, there can be someone I wouldn't tell them about and leave them for. I don't have to hide anything but apparently they feel I would... It is a matter of trust and confidence.

Wanting more "commitment", in my mind, is a show that there is a level of distrust and lack of confidence in the fate of our relationship. I analyse what I have done that might be hurting their trust or confidence and ask them about it, but when I haven't done anything wrong then I start to worry. If I have done something wrong I move to fix it.

Every single time I have bent to their whim our relationship dies a little because I become a less happy person. Why don't people get this? Why isn't total commitment on a personal and physical level enough?

"What do I want?"

This morning, as far as I know, marks an important turning point in my relationship, and not a good one. With snow coming down strong when I was supposed to get to work I silenced my alarm and went back to sleep just to wake up an hour later facing towards my girlfriend. I watched her a minute while she slept peacefully admiring her beauty and then moved closer. I put my arm under her pillow and rested my head on her left shoulder and breast. She reacted and wrapped herself around me and we both went back to sleep. I had a grin and was truly happy.

I should know better.

Her alarm went off and I hit it for her. She started stirring a bit but I had a better idea on how to wake her. I kissed her cheek and moved to her neck biting softly and kissing the whole way. My hands wandered over her for a while and she started moaning and moving with me. She was breathing hard and I was in the heat of the moment, my hand moved up her thigh...

"Ouch!", she sat up a bit startled and moved a bit away from me.

"Are you OK? Are you hurt?", I asked concerned.

"Yes, I am fine, I am not hurt", she replied. I thought she was just startled and I ran a list of things I could have done to hurt her, my nails are cleaned and trimmed, we have been having a lot of sex lately but have been using lube so as to prevent long wear to either of us, and we even had sex last night before I had to get to bed in order to make it in on time and things seemed fine. So I continued a bit and she said "No", softly to me.

Now let me explain this one thing; "no" for the history that I have known this woman has almost NEVER meant "no" because she says it all the time. In a past relationship it didn't stop anything from happening so she says it instinctively anytime something good is going on with her body now. Hence we have safety words that I make sure to run by her at least a one or two times every couple of months so we have a solid "no". But this "no" sounded different. I kissed her neck again and rubbed her thigh and side a bit more and she said it again. "No".

I stopped and asked her directly, "Do you not want this to go any further?".

 "No", she said sounding angry at herself and turned away from me.

"Do you want any of this?", wondering if she even wanted me next to her like this.

"No."

I kissed the side of her forehead and sat up on the side of the bed. My hormones were ready for action and I had to catch a breath away from her and at the same time comprehend what is going on without letting my emotions get the better of me while in a state of passion.

"Are you mad?", she asked as if half expecting me to hit her or something. Something that she does a lot no matter how many times I explain or haven't done so.

"No, just confused.", I say as I exhale. I need a cold shower or use the restroom to alleviate part of the problem I am having so I get up and turn on the bathroom lights.

"Hun, this is bad when I can't even do what I desperately want to do.", I still don't get what happened between sex last night and now but I brace myself for something REALLY bad. I grip the door frame and don't look at her. "When so many people are telling me it just isn't going to work what am I supposed to do?"

Oh god. Not this again! I reply with an elevated voice not out of anger but out of a need to be clear, because this is for her to figure out. "You know how I feel about you, about us, and I don't have anything to say about this anymore. I would just be repeating myself."

"We need to talk about this! Don't be mad but **** and ******* and everyone else is telling me that it just can't work!"

"I am not mad just confused as to why this is still an issue with us.", my voice has lowered but now I am actually feeling completely upset.

"Because I myself and, it seems, everyone else thinks one person isn't enough for you!" I feel like throwing something but instead I just grit my teeth and breath. I immediately know what has happened. She was up all night talking to my "friends" about us. Every one of them hasn't had a kind word for me behind my back no matter how much I bend over backwards for people or help them with their relationship issues. Because I have had multiple partners in the past of different genders and ethnicities they can't see me settling for one person of one type. They are perfectly friendly to my face then hit on and try to scare my girlfriend into leaving me. Now they wonder why I have distanced myself from them. What they don't understand is that in my relationships we talk about EVERYTHING. Nothing is taboo.

And she knows that but trusts them over me now; that is how bad this has gotten. No matter how poor their perspective on women as a whole is or how many times they screw over gals they meet when she was there to witness it... she still believes them over me. I am letting her live with me rent free, feed her, and have never ever done anything harmful to her. In fact she is much better off mentally and socially then she has ever been since we have been together.

I am breaking internally and a part of me has left... I can't win this battle if I can't win her heart, mind, and soul together. All I have is her heart and even that is starting to seem like a flimsy grasp. She talks to guys and gals on porn sites and guy friends privately at their homes all the time and I trust her explicitly. "But what if I shouldn't", crossed my mind today for the first time in the time since I have been with her.

This is a bad road and I should know. I have walked it almost a dozen times now. This a wrong turn down a one way street.

While showering, for the first time, I also thought of something that I also haven't thought of in a while that included "I" instead of "we".

"What do I want?"

A touchy subject that doesn't exist

This in response to another blog that has recently been pointed out to me via Google Reader. The discussion has been about rape... mainly why men get upset when someone says something like "most men" could be rapists. I can easily see why guys might get upset, but that might be because I am a guy. Albeit I hold a particularly different opinion about the subject of rape...

I was chatting with my girl friend after responding to the post this morning and ended up being a bit overly emotional about the whole idea that was being presented for several reasons:

1. It was only about men.
2. I have known several women who have falsely accused men of attempting to rape them or friends because that is simply the way they have been taught to react to guys being nice to them.
3. It is hurtful to be lumped together with rapists.

Let me introduce my personal experience on the subject. I was "raped" twice in one year by a person of both sexes (the quotations will be explained soon). Both situations were not reported for different reasons. It is something I regret. I am bisexual and have been out to friends and family since about 3 weeks before the first of these two events took place.

I have been the victim of domestic abuse from a young age leading into my adult life. Most of my partners have also been victims of domestic abuse of some type which makes this an extremely personal subject on several levels and gives people a reason to blame me for the events I am about to relay to the readers. Hence my hesitation.

The first event happened shortly after I came out to my parents that I was bisexual, while planning to marry the gal I have been dating for almost 4 years. We started having a lot of problems in our relationship as she thought previous that me being bisexual was simply a phase, just like her lesbian until graduation (LUG) mentality on the subject herself. It wasn't. It was something we needed to discuss and she refused. I turned to counseling to help me with coming to terms with who I am.

During that time she started becoming physically and emotionally abusive towards me. If my elbows touched the table during dinner she would kick me in the shins. If I didn't greet her right she would punch me in the stomach. On more then one occasion she tried pushing me down the stairs.

When I told my counselor about it she replied, "well, she isn't big enough to seriously hurt you" then remarking on how if she hasn't really harmed me then I should ignore it or bring it up with her. I got a few bruises on my shins, ribs and hip but that wasn't considered "serious".

One day while we were in her dorm after I successfully guided the senior class through our final group project I wanted to just lay down and get some sleep after not sleeping more then 10 hours in 3 days. All I wanted to do is lie next to her. Things were stressful for the both of us these last couple days and that I understand she might have been feeling a little neglected but it couldn't be helped. We haven't had sex in 5 days and the medication my doctor had put me on for my anxieties made it very hard for me to finish up in the bedroom, I would go through us having sex three or four times before I would finish even for sessions we had lasted over an hour. I was falling asleep when she started reaching her hand down my pants. I pulled her hand away and told her, "not now, I am too tired".

A few minutes pass and I am awoken by a the feeling of her moving around a lot. My eyes open when I feel her put one knee into the soft spot between my ribs and shoulder then I feel the other one land on me. She is putting all of her weight onto her knees as she leans in on me and covers my mouth before I make any sounds of pain. I notice her pants are off and she looks angry.

"You love me right?", she asks and I reply with a nod. This is the girl I am about to propose to in two months after I graduate... I remember having a hard time breathing. She told me that she was going to get on top of me and I had better be hard for her and cum for her, if I didn't then she would know that I am a fagot and incapable of loving her... She told me to hold still for her if I loved her. She then moved off my shoulders, my arms were numb, and started having sex with me.

I closed my eyes the whole time and tried to think of as many things as I could to stay hard and get off for her. She rode for a while and started demanding I cum for her. I thought of everything I could and eventually gave into what she was doing in order to give her what she wanted. She eventually started choking me and demanding it in her frustration. Turning her away so she couldn't see me crying. She used my feelings for her to make me submit to her will.

I requested an immediate visit with my counselor to talk about what happened and I was greeted with her response: "Women can't rape men". She called it emotional abuse but it wasn't what it felt to me like... rape. I left that counselor for another who suggested I made the whole thing up and practically kicked me out of the office. There was one more instance where she pinned me down in my parents house where we had a chance of being caught, she used the threat of telling the one sibling I didn't want to know that I was "gay".

We didn't last long after that especially after I couldn't sleep next to her without waking up yelling. She claimed we broke up was because I was abusive. The event she refers to is one where I raised a hand once because I thought she called me a fagot again. I never laid a hand on her but I ultimately ended the relationship when she wrapped both her hands around my neck and choked me in front of my parents. She doesn't remember doing anything harmful to me and got married to another guy a year later. She justified everything because I hurt her by being "gay".

Oddest thing is that she was only abusive during the last 3 months of our relationship.

This situation has had the following side effects on me:

• When ever a woman's knees end up on my shoulders I have major flashbacks and can freak out if I don't calm myself.
• I have serious trust issues with women who seem "normal" to me.
• When ever someone tells or asks me to cum, I can't. I lose interest in sex quickly.
• I hate when rape is referred to as a male only thing.
• Get paranoid when a woman questions my love for her.

The difference between male and female bloggers on sex

I read a lot of sex blogs. Well, I don't read most of the posts because, like mine have always been, most are not entirely relevant or important to me. Looking over my list I see that most of the writers are women. I am not totally sure why that is but they clearly provide a different insight into things that men usually don't; with the exception being man-on-man gay sex, which I read posts from a couple male authors.

Women bloggers have one annoying tendency, I can't blame them for this, but it seems reoccurring and prevalent. They like to write about female achievements in sex blogging and literature all the time. Good for them, but I have noticed that most never bring up good points carried by male bloggers. Too many of them focus on women and have no idea of what is going on outside their world. This is both a boon and a bane mind you.

Not all of them do this, and this leads me to the reason why I don't follow a lot of male bloggers. Few of them follow what the female bloggers are doing as well. I think I might be focusing this blog towards linking articles that appeal to me from both perspectives if I have the time.

I have no cycle for when I update this blog because it is the third one I own and my personal ground for spilling the beans on who I am when no one around me needs to know, but I have to let something out.